


Growing up

by Neila



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Childhood Friends, Friends to Lovers, I swear this is a soft fic, M/M, Underage Drinking, but just slightly, but nothing heavy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-16
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2020-03-06 12:58:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18851554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neila/pseuds/Neila
Summary: Jaehyun, thanks to his neighbor, discovers what love is as he grows up.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [little__cree](https://archiveofourown.org/users/little__cree/gifts).



> This is based on a personal real-life story, but thanks again to Miss Daria for making me write it. 
> 
> I put it in the tags I'd like to clarify again that even if there's a slight age gap between Johnny and Jaehyun, there will be no minor-adult relationships. There will also be underage drinking at some point but nothing gets out of hand in that sense, it'll just be teenagers having a bit of fun (or no).
> 
> Anyways, enjoy!

_Jaehyun was three when they met for the first time. He didn’t remember much from those times, but he knew they were happy ones._

 

“Don’t worry darling, Mrs. Suh will take care of you.” Jaehyun’s mom said affectionately, kissing the top of his head while walking the short distance between theirs and the neighbor’s house. She knocked on the door and looked at the child in her arms again. “Mommy needs to go do some errands and will be back in no time, okay baby?” Jaehyun nodded but grabbed his mother’s shirt with his little fist as if his life depended on it. He could barely keep his eyes open and had no strength at all, so it was easy for the lady who opened the door to take him away from his mother’s arms. The two women exchanged some words he couldn’t make out, and he felt his mother kiss his forehead before he fell completely asleep.

When he woke up he was in an unfamiliar room, and his first instinct was to call for his mom. He couldn’t raise his voice much, so he repeated it over and over again, almost crying, until he saw the door open. Instead of his mother, a kid walked in and approached the bed.

“Where’s my mommy?” Jaehyun asked weakly, in a feverish tone. He knew he was sick, his parents had explained to him that he had something called chickenpox, which was why his body was itching all the time and he felt so hot and dizzy. He didn’t like it at all. Jaehyun enjoyed being pampered and taken care of by his mom, but now she wasn’t there, and so he was about to cry. His dad worked during the day, he was used not to having him around until nighttime, but his mom was always by his side.

“Don’t worry, your mom will come back soon.” Said the kid climbing up the bed with him. He sat resting his back against the wall and looked at Jaehyun. “It sucks, right? I already had chickenpox. I don’t remember it, but I’m sure it sucks.”

“It sucks.” Parroted Jaehyun. It was an expression he wouldn’t usually say, a word his mom would scold him for, so he felt giggly at pronouncing it out loud. The kid smiled at him and stayed silent for a while, grabbing one of the plushies on the bed from time to time and moving it closer to Jaehyun’s face, puppeteering with it and making weird noises that made Jaehyun laugh. He wasn’t much older than Jaehyun, but to a three years old anyone who wasn’t also three was either a newborn or an adult, so he did feel like a grown-up was watching over him.

“Oh, look, your mom is here.” The kid said at hearing something Jaehyun didn’t, and he was right, the door opened and his mom and the woman who received him walked in. Jaehyun's mother picked him up from the bed, asking him many questions he didn’t get to answer.

“Johnny took care of him, right dear?” The other lady said. The kid, who had gotten down from the bed by himself and was now next to his own mother, nodded eagerly. Jaehyun found it amusing, how Johnny didn’t act shy interacting with an unknown adult like his mom. Anytime someone older that wasn’t his parents tried to talk to him, Jaehyun would hide behind his mom’s legs and look away at every word addressed at him. His mother talked a bit with Johnny’s, and then they were again at the door. Jaehyun felt like only minutes had passed since his mom had said goodbye to him on the same place, but it was already dark outside and that meant the day was ending.

“Bye, Johnny.” Jaehyun mumbled, trying to wave his hand at the boy who stood still at the door. Johnny just smiled and waved back at him, and it made Jaehyun forget about the itchiness and how sweaty he was. He had a new friend, he thought smiling to himself.

Some days had to pass for Jaehyun to get completely well. His dad had bought him a football ball and had promised to play with him on the garden, to compensate the days he had had to stay in bed and couldn’t play at all. Jaehyun had much fun running after it with his dad, even if he tripped and fell on his butt every time he tried to do a kick. It frustrated him, but the moment his father laughed, he did too. He felt sad he could only play on the weekends, because that was when his dad didn’t work. One day, finally, his mom let him play alone while she watered the plants.

He was sitting on the grass tired from running after the ball when he looked over the wire fence that separated their garden from the neighbor’s. He gasped when he saw Johnny kneeling next to his mother and in full gardening attire, straw hat and green gloves included. They were planting something, it was obvious, but Jaehyun’s mind hadn’t processed that yet when he got up and ran to the fence, full of curiosity.

“Oh, hello dear.” Johnny’s mother was the first one to notice him. Johnny looked at him too and waved his hand, fully covered in a glove too big for him.

“What are you doing?” Jaehyun asked amazed, sticking his face to the fence as if he wanted to trespass it. Johnny got up to approach him, moving past the hole and the pile of soil he had been making on the ground.

“We’re planting some flowers, do you want to help?” He asked kneeling to Jaehyun’s height. Jaehyun nodded eagerly and immediately turned around to search for his mom. He had to ask for permission, he couldn’t possibly go out of the house alone, not even being able to reach the gate’s knob yet. He ran up to her and jumped excitedly, pulling on her sleeve to make her look at their neighbor's garden.

“Mommy, can I go help Johnny? Please, please.” He begged.

“Of course darling, but help him with what?” She asked picking him up and walking up to the fence while his son told her about the flowers. Johnny greeted her politely, and Jaehyun noticed his mother was now nowhere to be seen. Jaehyun’s mother didn’t seem to mind, though, and got closer to the fence that barely reached her chest. “I’ll be around here, okay? Don’t cause too much trouble to Johnny.”

“I won’t!” Jaehyun exclaimed, giggling when his mum kissed him twice on the cheek. He was expecting her to walk him up to Johnny’s house gate, but instead she held him up over the fence and had Johnny, who quickly extended his arms, pick him. Jaehyun squealed, hugging Johnny back and clinging to his neck. The boy was bigger for his age, so he didn’t have much problem holding a toddler like Jaehyun.

They ran back to kneel next to the scrambled ground and Johnny started showing him all kinds of seeds. The names were too much for Jaehyun to remember, but he answered proudly every time Johnny asked what color was each flower in the pictures of the seed packages. When Johnny patted his head Jaehyun smiled widely, showing his deep dimples. Before starting to work, Johnny  placed his straw hat on Jaehyun's head. It was a bit too big for him, but it would protect him from the sun.

Jaehyun didn’t do much to help. He patted the ground after Johnny buried the seeds and helped him hold the watering can, but nonetheless he felt very pleased with his work. He told Johnny about his new football ball, buzzing with energy, and convinced him to play. They had to ask Jaehyun’s mom to throw them the ball over the fence, and Jaehyun spent the rest of the afternoon trying to get it to go past Johnny, who was acting as a goalie. Johnny’s mom brought them some juice and sandwiches at some point, and they ate sitting on a pair of garden chairs too big for them.

“What is the flowers name, Johnny?” Jaehyun wondered, looking at where the seeds were buried.

“Hmmm… Marigolds.” Johnny had to look at the empty packages they had left on the table because he couldn’t remember either. “My mum said they are really nice.”

“And when will they appear?” Asked again Jaehyun, now with his mouth full of bread with peanut butter.

“If it’s sunny, very soon. If it rains… I don’t know...” Johnny laughed at Jaehyun’s pout, but gave him another reassuring pat on the head.

Luckily for them, they were blessed with sun all week. It had become their daily grind, seeing each other during the afternoons and playing football while their moms had some tea together or gardened. Jaehyun didn’t really seem to get better at kicking the ball, but he had more fun with Johnny than he did with his dad. He also didn’t even remember about the flowers until one day Johnny took him by the hand and headed him to the no longer empty spot.

“Look Jae, they have bloomed!” Jaehyun’s face lit up and he let out an excited gasp. Jaehyun had the urge to reach and touch the flowers, but Johnny stopped him. “Don’t, they still need to grow!”

“So they are babies?” Jaehyun asked, kneeling and leaning in to see them better.

“Yes, like you.”

“I’m not a baby!” He looked at Johnny offended. His cousin Mark, who had just been born two weeks ago, was a baby. He wasn’t.

“How old are you?”

“Three and a half!”

“Then you are a baby!” Johnny said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, and sat next to him. Jaehyun was pouting, sulking at what Johnny had just said. When the older extended his pinky at him, Jaehyun’s expression changed to a confused one. “They’ll be really beautiful when they grow, so I’ll give them to you, okay? I promise.”

Jaehyun immediately intertwined his finger with Johnny’s and nodded. “It's a promise!”

“Okay, whoever gets to the tree last is a booger!” Johnny exclaimed after a few seconds of staring at each other, getting up and running to the tree they always used as a goal. Jaehyun let out something that fell between a whine and an excited squeal, and also got up to run after him.

 

_Jaehyun was five when he started school, and he was excited because that meant he could be with Johnny every day._

 

Before getting in the car, Jaehyun’s mom made him stop in front of the door. She wanted to take photos of him to remember his first day of school. He was wearing a baby blue school smock and a backpack, both a bit too big for him. He felt bored, he wanted to go and discover that place Johnny had talked so much about, not pose for ten minutes while his mom took photos from every possible angle.

During the car ride, his mother talked to him about school. Since she worked at home and could take care of her kid, Jaehyun hadn’t gone to kindergarten. That wasn't much of a problem, she sometimes took him to the park and so he already knew some kids. Jaehyun, though, was more excited for all the things he was going to learn than for the friends he would supposedly make. He didn’t really want more friends, he already had someone he could play with.

He saw some kids cry on the school gates and looked at them weirdly. Jaehyun wasn’t sad about not seeing his mom for a while, and so he couldn’t understand why others were making such a fuss about it. Not interested in boys his age, he looked around with curiosity. A few meters away, kids older than him were gathering in groups, greeting each other and laughing loudly. In between one of these groups, he could see a head that stood above anyone else, and he smiled instantly. He wanted to run up to Johnny and talk to him, but the woman his mum said was his teacher forced him to go inside the school already. He pouted for a while until he heard they would have break time and a whole hour for lunch after some hours of lessons like maths, Korean, science, crafts, and ethics, a word he didn’t know the meaning for yet. He didn’t bother remembering the timetable the teacher was telling them about, he could proudly read after his dad had been teaching him for months already. Smiling smugly at the kid next to him, who was having trouble even making up a single syllable, he focused on the teacher again when the topic changed.

Jaehyun didn’t even notice subjects were different from one another that day, he was having so much fun at class that he got surprised when Sicheng, the kid who sat at his left and who, Jaehyun realized later, he already knew from the park, told him they could go to the playground now. He followed everyone out and roamed around with some kids, looking at what they were doing. He didn’t want to play in the swings, and he hadn’t brought any toy from home to play like others. He tried joining a group playing house, but all the roles had been assigned already and he didn’t want to be the dog. He decided to just go and sit on a bench when something caught his eyes. Older kids started spreading around the playground and his eyes widened in anticipation, scanning his surroundings. When he finally spotted Johnny, Jaehyun sprinted towards him.

“Johnny, Johnny!” He called happily. When the older saw him he smiled immediately and extended his arms to grab Jaehyun before he could bump into him.

“Hello Jae, are you having fun on your first day?” Johnny patted his head, and dimples immediately appeared on Jaehyun’s face. Jaehyun nodded, but before he could talk to tell Johnny all the things he wanted, a boy who had been standing behind them cut him off.

“Come on Johnny, or Yongie and Taeil will take the goal before us!” Jaehyun looked at him and realized he was holding a football ball. He didn’t look very friendly, eyes sharp and looking at him warily. Jaehyun didn’t think he was a nice person, even if he didn’t even know his name yet.

“Oh, yeah… Jae, aren’t you going to play with your friends?” Johnny wasn’t anything but kind and sweet to him, pointing at some kids from his class, but Jaehyun pouted and grabbed his sleeve.

“But I wanted to play with you…”

“Come on, Johnny.” Insisted the other kid, ignoring Jaehyun completely. Johnny hesitated, but finally turned to him without letting go of Jaehyun’s hand.

“I’ll go play with Jaehyun today, Yuta. Do you mind?” He smiled apologetically. The Yuta boy, as Jaehyun would call him from now on in his head, rolled his eyes but said nothing more. Johnny smiled back at Jaehyun, and he jumped excitedly, already taking the older  boy to somewhere they could play alone.

They sat on the ground, and Johnny took out a spinning top from his pocket. Jaehyun looked amused at how the older made it spin, and got sad when he couldn’t do it. Johnny attempted to teach him, but no matter how much Jaehyun tried, he couldn’t make it spin more than once. In the end, they settled in drawing things with their fingers on the ground.

“Have you made any friends already, Jae?” Johnny asked curiously. Jaehyun nodded and told him about Sicheng. Johnny listened attentively, and Jaehyun felt like he could talk nonstop if Johnny hadn’t interrupted him. He wasn’t annoyed by it, though, his favorite thing in the world hearing Johnny talk. “You should make friends with everyone, you’ll have a lot of fun with them.”

“But I have fun with you already…” Jaehyun thought Johnny was telling him he didn’t want to play anymore, and he got sad. He stopped playing with the sand and sulked, eyes watering.

“We can still have fun together, dummy.” Johnny laughed. “But it’s better if you have more friends, right?”

“So we can still play even if I also play with Sicheng?” Jaehyun’s eyes were brimming with excitement, and Johnny let out a loud laugh again and poked one of Jaehyun’s dimples. He had been doing that for a while now, at first it annoyed Jaehyun a bit, but at this point it just made his ears turn red.

“I will play with you always, so don’t worry, okay?” Johnny patted his head, messing up all the work Jaehyun’s mom had put in his hair that morning. Jaehyun smile got wider, and he went back to draw on the sand. He wrote a big J, and Johnny just looked at him smiling.

As he always did, Johnny kept his promise. They played almost every day, if not during lunchtime then during the break, at the playground. Sicheng sometimes had to take extra Korean classes because he had trouble with the language, so he couldn’t always play with Jaehyun. Those were the days Johnny and him would sit on the ground and Johnny would teach him to play some game. Since they were only two and Johnny’s friends didn’t want to play with first-grade kids, they got easily bored with hide-and-seek or freeze tag and settled with things like marbles, board games or ticktacktoe. Neither of them cared because they could get their dose of physical activity every Friday, when they went to each other’s houses and ran around on the garden till the sun set and their moms called them back in.

Jaehyun always called Sicheng weird for not wanting to go to school, and found it very wrong that his friend thought it was boring or hard. There was nothing else Jaehyun wanted more than the weekends to end faster, so he could go back to school and have a great time with Johnny.

 

_Jaehyun was nine when he realized time makes things change, and he didn’t like it at all._

 

Jaehyun, even loving school a lot, also enjoyed summers like no one else. Summer meant more afternoons to be with Johnny, more hours to play and have endless fun together. This year they had set a blow-up pool on Jaehyun’s garden at some point, and Johnny’s routine during the afternoons of the last week of August was crossing the fence to go play with Jaehyun in it. They had water guns, water balloons and everything water. After playing, when the sun had already hidden, they laid on the grass and looked at the stars. Johnny told him stories about aliens he had previously learned from Yuta, and Jaehyun pointed at the stars and tried to make up forms with them, like a dot connecting game. They always wished for a shooting start to pass by, but none appeared. Jaehyun was a bit disappointed, but the feeling went away whenever Johnny held his hand after falling into a comfortable silence.

On September, Yuta started talking regularly about being much older than Jaehyun. He usually made a comment or two when Johnny decided to go play with Jaehyun instead of him, but that year was borderline irritating. Three years wasn't that much, even if it sometimes felt like it. “What’s wrong with him?” Jaehyun asked once, pouting and making Johnny laugh.

“Don’t worry about it Jae, you know how he is. He’s just excited for next year.” And even though Jaehyun couldn’t quite understand, he nodded. When Johnny asked him not to worry, he did as told.

On October, Jaehyun started playing basketball. He liked it more than football, and since he was one of the tallest boys of his class, he soon became the ace of the group. He invited Johnny to his first match, a practice one, and every time he scored and looked at the crowd of people watching, he smiled excitedly at seeing the older clap and cheer for him. Jaehyun had asked many times why Johnny, being taller and more athletic, didn't want to play too. Johnny just answered that he was too lazy to get into any sport, and Jaehyun was actually fine with that. It meant that there was something he could impress Johnny with, and he liked that feeling very much.

Everyone usually got happier by June, since summer was about to start and that meant goodbye to the rain and the remaining cold winter left on spring, and the start of holidays. For Jaehyun, though, it wasn’t like that. Even if Johnny still played with him at school from time to time, the second week of June was the last time he came to Jaehyun’s house. He even had had to go home earlier that day, but he didn’t tell Jaehyun why. The next Friday he had to stay at school to help with the graduation ceremony preparations, so he couldn't go either.

Jaehyun had learned one month before that Johnny was graduating that year. He knew he was in last year, Yuta had taken care of reminding him every day after all, but it hadn’t hit him yet. Johnny would have to start high school next year, and Jaehyun would have to spend the next three years at school by himself. With Sicheng, but without Johnny. On June 22nd, the last day of school and during the graduation ceremony, Jaehyun ran up to Johnny and asked him if he could go to his house that afternoon. He wanted to spend time with him, to ask him about high school and to plan things for the summer. Jaehyun had planned to invite Johnny to thr two-weeks summer trip he had every year with his parents. With permission from them and being sure Johnny would say yes, he couldn’t wait anymore to tell him. Johnny agreed to the afternoon hang out as he always did, smiling kindly, before Yuta took him away.

Even if it felt like a Friday, it wasn’t, so Jaehyun had to go to his basketball practice before heading home. It was the first time he ever wanted it to finish quickly, and he couldn’t stop smiling at the thought of spending time alone with Johnny after what felt like ages. He almost tripped on his way back home because of how fast he was walking, and after putting his things aside in his room and changing, he headed to Johnny’s house. He rang the bell, waiting impatiently. He knew that Johnny’s mother was usually at the garden at this time of the day, so it took some time to walk all the way to the door. His face fell when instead of an older pair of warm honey eyes, two cold black ones greeted him.

“What do you want?” Yuta said, standing with half of his body hidden behind the door. Jaehyun was too shocked to answer back quickly, and Yuta just stared at him for some seconds before Johnny appeared behind.

“Yuta, who is- Oh, Jaehyun!” He said surprised, and it took him a moment to realize. “Oh- Oh my god, I’m sorry, I forgot we were going to meet today...”

“It’s… It’s okay.” Jaehyun said quickly, his voice trembling. He felt a lump in his throat, but he held it for his own sake. “It’s okay, we can hang out another day.”

“Yes, I’m sorry.” Johnny said with his kind smile and the soothing voice Jaehyun adored so much. “I’ll come by to your house another time, okay? I’m sorry, I had completely forgotten.” He repeated. Jaehyun just nodded and turned around so quickly Johnny didn’t have time to say anything more. He ran to his house and locked himself in his room, ignoring his mother’s question about why he was there again and not with Johnny.

He did the same with every question he received during summer, because Johnny didn’t come by, and even if his oblivious parents didn’t see his friend anymore, Jaehyun could sometimes see him from his window, crossing the street in a bike Jaehyun had never seen before, followed by Yuta or Taeyong, or both.

The next year, when school started again, Jaehyun decided to help Sicheng with the extra language classes he still took, since he had nothing else to do during those breaks. On Friday afternoons he now went to his friend's house, where they usually played video games locked in Sicheng’s room. Sometimes, when he walked back home, he met Johnny’s mother on the street coming back from grocery shopping. They greeted each other and she smiled at Jaehyun as adoringly as ever, and Jaehyun had to force himself to do the same, because that smile reminded him of the one he didn’t want to think about.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

_Jaehyun was twelve when he learnt what growing up meant._

 

The last years of elementary school were happy for Jaehyun. He missed Johnny for a few days, when he listened to Sicheng next to him reading out loud slowly and his eyes wandered to the classroom window, from where he could see the other kids play around. After the first weeks of getting to spend the breaks exclusively with Sicheng when he didn’t have to study, he forgot completely about Johnny during school hours. He definitely started getting closer with the Chinese boy, now both of them being inseparable. Jaehyun was the one who gave him his nickname, Winwin, because that’s what he always did. With Johnny, Jaehyun usually won proudly at most of the games, but with Winwin it was a whole different story. Jaehyun didn’t know how he did it, but Sicheng _always_ won. Jaehyun didn't mind though, because he loved spending time with him.

That happiness started fading a bit when the teachers started talking about high school. Even if Jaehyun didn’t have much problem with his grades, hearing adults talk about how difficult it would be was a bit discouraging. He also felt anxious about going to a whole new place, somewhere he could get lost and where he wouldn’t know anyone except for Winwin. Jaehyun didn't like changes.

On the inevitable first day of high school, he discovered that his best friend was as nervous as he was, and that most of their now old classmates were probably feeling exactly the same. Sicheng clung to him all the way to their classroom, and it was the first time Jaehyun felt like he was the big brother, the protector. It felt good, but the feeling vanished when the teacher seated them separately. It was going to be like that for a few weeks, she explained, because it was easier for the other teachers to learn their names if they were seated in alphabetical order.

There were more kids than in elementary school, and Jaehyun feared he wouldn't be able to learn everyone’s name himself. He had been seated next to the wall at the back, much to his luck, so he only needed to look at one direction to see the whole class. While the teacher talked about school rules and procedure, he decided to finally look to his right. The kid next to him had deep jet black hair and round eyes, but with a sharp look that gave Jaehyun chills. He was extremely serious, and Jaehyun didn’t feel like he was a friendly kid. He sat completely straight and with his arms placed on the table, listening attentively to the teacher. Jaehyun feared he wouldn’t come out alive of the classroom if he dared to talk to him.   

The clock he would have to see every day for the rest of the year went by really slowly that day, and Jaehyun just relaxed a bit when the bell rang because that meant he could go back to Winwin’s side. They would now have a bit less than an hour to eat and come back to class, so they decided to follow the mass of other first years and finally found the cafeteria. They were able to find a free table on a hidden the corner and decided that Jaehyun would go grab the food while Winwin made sure no one took their place. When he came back with two plates full of food, he found another kid was sitting there with Winwin. The stranger was talking so fast it was obvious Winwin felt uncomfortable, and before Jaehyun could ask anything about it, the boy looked up at him and smiled widely.

“Hello, I’m Ten! Are you sitting here too?”

And with his radiant smile and his non-stopping chatter, Ten became as close to them as if he had known them since elementary school. He was also a foreign kid, so he and Sicheng understood each other really well. Jaehyun enjoyed his company a lot too, getting infected by his happiness and his energy. After the first week of class, he felt like he had already found his place. With the comfort of Sicheng’s well-known company and the exciting thrill of Ten’s, Jaehyun felt as if it was the only thing he needed for the rest of his high school days.

The second day, during Science class, they got placed in groups of three for a project, and Jaehyun started suspecting his seat neighbor and now project partner wasn’t as intimidating as he looked. Jaehyun realized it when, in an attempt of being friendly and asking for a reminder of his name, because he was awful at remembering them, the boy’s ears started getting as red as a tomato.

“Kim Dongyoung.” The boy mumbled, not daring to look at Jaehyun’s face and fidgeting with his pencil. Jaehyun nodded, and sensing the awkward atmosphere he started talking with their other workmate, a girl named Seulgi, about how they were going to divide the project.     

It was on Monday of the next week when that initial enthusiasm got completely erased from his mind. He was walking quickly through the hallway to get to the first class, dodging and getting in between other people who also wanted to get there, when he saw a familiar face. He didn’t need to double check, he knew it was him because he still had the same smile, and his height still made him stand out from the others. Jaehyun didn’t stop walking, but he had to catch his breath. Of course Johnny was going to be there, but thinking about it wasn’t the same as fronting the fact.

Jaehyun spent the first period trying to convince himself that Johnny hadn’t seen him, that he had probably been too busy laughing about whatever Yuta was telling him to notice him in between all the other people. Jaehyun’s mind wandered from the lesson to his neighbor, remembering his laugh and thinking about him considering Yuta his best friend now, having forgotten completely about that little boy he used to play with.

He got nervous when Sicheng and Ten came up to him just seconds after the bell rang, because they had to go to another class and that meant going back to the hallway. Walking in between their friends with his head bucked down, he decided that that was what he was going to do. He couldn’t let Johnny ruin it for him, and since confrontation was already out of the question (he had thought much about it, going to Johnny’s house again and asking for an explanation, but he had given up really quickly), his only option was avoidance. He just needed not to meet Johnny on the hallways or on the cafeteria, and it would be okay. It ended up being okay, because even if they were on the same corridor, they never looked at the other’s direction.      

 

_Jaehyun was fourteen when he decided to grow up._

 

Jaehyun's hard attempts to have a happy high school life failed after the spring break of his third year. At first, he was pretty excited about getting to see his friends regularly again, not minding the school work that also came with it, but when he entered the building and headed to their classroom he was greeted by a grin he despised so much, instead of by his two best friends, and his excitement disappeared at the moment.

He frowned at the sight. Yuta, with one arm around Sicheng's shoulder, smiled and whispered something in his ear that made Winwin snort. They didn't seem like strangers at all, like they had been a month ago, and Jaehyun's guts twisted at that. Swallowing hard, he approached them.

“Hey.” His greeting was enough to put distance between those two, and Yuta eyed him up and down before turning around and get going to his classroom. “What… What were you doing with him?”

Sicheng just shrugged, not amused by Jaehyun's evident pale face. Jaehyun knew his friend wasn't one of many words, and even if he wanted an explanation, deep down he knew he'd sleep better that night not knowing about it.

They saw Ten at lunchtime, one of the few times they had together as three now that he had been placed in another classroom. Jaehyun hadn't liked the idea so much at first, but Ten seemed fine with it. He was pretty much a social butterfly and didn't have any problem fitting in wherever he was.

“By the way.” He said one day at lunch. “Hendery invited me to a party and said you should come too.”

“Hendery?” Asked Sicheng.

“A party?” Followed Jaehyun.

“Yeah, his brother is throwing one this Friday, and he said basically everyone is going, so…” Ten answered, omitting the answer for Sicheng as it was obvious Hendery was someone from his class group.

 _“_ Who's  _everyone_?” Jaehyun didn't know all the details yet, but he already disliked the idea. Ten rolled his eyes at him and leaned forward.

“Are you in or not? Come on, it'll be fun!”

“I am.” Sicheng nodded with a slight glint of excitement in his eyes. Jaehyun, by peer pressure, had to agree too.

Days after, Jaehyun found himself intimidated just by the sight of Hendery's house. He lived in a two-floor house himself, with a garden and a garage and it wasn't something modest, but it wasn't extravagantly wealthy either. What was in front of him could just be called a mansion.

Ten grabbed him by the arm and pulled him along. Sicheng followed behind, looking around and, by the look on his face, probably judging everyone. The music was too loud to hear what anyone was saying, and even if it was barely nine there were already some people knocked out from drinking. Jaehyun felt pretty uncomfortable there, and he knew Sicheng was too.

They entered the kitchen and they found Hendery, who immediately received Ten in his arms. He probably told them to have a drink and enjoy the night, but Jaehyun couldn't hear him well, he just guessed his words when he handed them some filled paper cups. Ten disappeared shortly after with Hendery, and Jaehyun and Sicheng leaned on the counter without much to do, just looking around. Taking small sips from his cup, Jaehyun started noticing the other guests. He knew some persons from their high school, from seniors to freshmen, but there were also people who, he was sure, weren't in high school anymore.

When Sicheng tugged his sleeve and quietly told him he was going to go walk around, Jaehyun became a bit more nervous. He didn't know what to do alone, and he didn't really feel like befriending some drunk stranger. Having seen Ten at the improvised dance floor on the living room, he knew going to dance wasn’t an option either. With a sigh, he decided to go explore the house too. He wasn't going to go upstairs, having seen enough movies to know what happened in private rooms, so he settled for the garden. There, he saw Doyoung sitting alone.

“Hey, Doyoung.” He approached, startling the lonely boy. Jaehyun hadn't thought so much about his actions, he just felt like going to sit with him on the garden bench was the best option. Doyoung was clearly uncomfortable, but one of Jaehyun's smiles was enough to calm him a bit.

“I didn't know you liked parties.” Commented Doyoung, taking a sip from his own drink. Jaehyun had already finished his, but he saw some bottles on the table next to them and decided that a bit more wouldn't hurt.

“I was just dragged here, to be honest.” He said nonchalantly, making Doyoung snort. It was obvious he was in the same situation.

“I don't even know why he brought me here if all he was gonna do was go suck that dickhead's mouth…” Doyoung’s way of mumbling words made Jaehyun realize how drunk he actually was. He now noticed how red the other's ears were, and how even after talking he kept mouthing unintelligible words. Jaehyun didn't understand, but he didn't think he should anyway.

“My friends ditched me too. I don't even know where they are.” Jaehyun tried to comfort Doyoung, drinking all the liquid left on his cup in one go. He wanted more, and so he reached for the bottle and poured some more in his cup. He also did the same for Doyoung, even if he hadn't finished all of his yet.

“I just want to go home, it sucks here.” Doyoung pouted, but kept drinking like any of the other persons there. Jaehyun sighed and nodded. He totally agreed, and while Doyoung kept complaining about what people were doing, Jaehyun looked around. His eyes widened when he spotted Sicheng, on the other side of the garden, in the middle of a group of people. He followed the arm wrapped on his best friend's shoulder and he felt like throwing up. He didn't need to see his face, he knew who the arm belonged to. Sicheng turned around, and when their eyes met he seemed to want to say something, but Yuta stole his attention again by leaning into him and whispering something in his ear. Sicheng laughed, just like he had done a few days ago, and Jaehyun had to move his eyes away.

He could barely hear Doyoung's voice on the background, his thoughts telling him about a thousand things at once, but the world stopped spinning suddenly when he caught another person staring at him. Next to Yuta, it was obvious Johnny had seen the looks Jaehyun and Sicheng had exchanged, and now he was looking at Jaehyun with something in his eyes the younger could not make up. It angered him, it made his blood boil. Seeing Johnny with his group friends, all happy and drunk and having fun, not only having completely forgotten about him but now also trying to steal his best friend made his every nerve burn.

“...and people are just making out or touching each other and it's honestly gro-” It was the next thing he understood of what Doyoung was saying, but Jaehyun cut him off before he could finish, turning around and grabbing his free hand.

“Wanna do it?”

“What?”

“Have you ever kissed someone before?” Jaehyun asked. He stumbled with his words, he was rushed, he wanted to do it right now more than anything in the world.

“No… No, I haven't.” Doyoung was obviously confused, blinking at Jaehyun and trying to give sense to what he was saying, but he didn’t move his hand away.

“Me neither. Let's do it, come on.” He leaned forward, and since Doyoung didn't complain, he locked their lips together. It was gross, honestly, the taste of alcohol and their clumsy mouths trying to savor each other, but Doyoung put a hand on his nape and tangled the other in his hair and Jaehyun hugged him closer and made him sigh slightly with his tongue. It was bad, but Jaehyun felt really good.

The feeling faded shortly after, when they moved away and awkwardly decided to go home. Jaehyun didn't look back after going into the house again, but deep down he hoped Johnny had seen. He wasn’t a lonely loser and his life was going perfectly without him, and he didn’t need Sicheng either. Johnny had to know that.

Doyoung and him held hands in silence until they had to go on separate ways. Smiling with red cheeks and shy glances, they promised to see each other on Monday morning. The last stretch of his way home had Jaehyun's mind racing with so many thoughts he didn't know if what made him dizzy was that or the alcohol, but he kept smiling like an idiot. He kissed a boy, and it felt good. He wasn't ashamed by that, he had always accepted himself as he was, but he couldn't stop wondering why it had been Doyoung. Jaehyun didn't want to admit that he may have made a rushed decision, because he didn't want to play with Doyoung's feelings. He wasn't a bad person, he didn't want to hurt someone as good as Doyoung, because he wouldn't want to be hurt either.

He was going to ask Doyoung to be his boyfriend next Monday, Jaehyun decided, nodding to himself. The thought was just enough to make him stop feeling left out and lonely. He wanted to be as in love with someone as Ten was with Hendery, and even if the thought of it made him sick, he wanted something as thrilling as he was sure Sicheng was having with Yuta. When he reached home, he entered his room without making any noise and fell asleep with a determined smile on his face. That night, he dreamed of boys.

“When were you going to tell us?!” Ten screamed at him before he could even sit on the table bench. Jaehyun looked at him confused and Ten banged his fist on the table. “Since when are Doyoung and you a thing?!”

“I…” Jaehyun needed a moment to find his words. He couldn’t believe how fast rumors spread inside that building. “Since today's first period? We kissed at the party and I asked him on a date, I don't know.”

“You kissed him at the party?!” Ten parroted in a scream, bringing a hand to his chest as if Jaehyun had just insulted his mother.

“I didn't know you liked him.” Jaehyun decided to pay attention to Sicheng's quiet voice instead. He looked down and stayed silent. He couldn't possibly say out loud what was exactly on his mind at the moment, but if he didn't ask the worry would eat him alive.

“Since when are you so close with Yuta?” He still didn't dare to look at Sicheng. Ten had fallen silent, but was checking his phone so he probably wasn't paying attention to them.

“Our moms have always been close, mine invited them over once during this spring break and he started talking to me since then.” Sicheng shrugged, eating his food like he was talking about any other thing.

“You have fun with him.” It wasn't a question.

“He's a nice guy.”

“He's not.”

“You don't know him.”

“Hey, are you two fighting?” Ten cut them off, genuinely worried by their deadly quiet tones. The air was clearly tense, and Jaehyun suddenly rising from his seat and taking his backpack to walk away left him dumbfounded. Sicheng didn't say anything. He wasn't one of many words, after all.

The next day, Sicheng didn't sit with them. He wasn't in the cafeteria, but Jaehyun didn't want to know where he was either. He could have imagined. Ten invited Hendery to their table because having lunch with a depressed Jaehyun was something he didn't want to go through. Hendery invited his friend Lucas, who also made Jungwoo join. Jungwoo brought Doyoung with him, and Jaehyun at least got to smile a little. Talking with Doyoung about their date on Friday was enough to cheer him up.

Jaehyun had so much fun that day. He took Doyoung to the bowling alley, where they played, chatted and ate until closing time. He held Doyoung's hand and walked him home, enjoying the late spring's night breeze. Doyoung dared to ask about Sicheng, since he had been sitting with Jaehyun at lunch all week and the Chinese boy was nowhere to be seen. Jaehyun just said what first came to his mind.

“He has a boyfriend now.”

“You mean Nakamoto?” Doyoung seemed surprised, and Jaehyun nodded. “Why would a senior want to be with someone our age…?”

Jaehyun just shrugged, but smiled slightly and tilted his head to look at Doyoung. “It's not my business. I got a boyfriend too, now.”

Doyoung's eyes widened in surprise, and it took him some seconds to answer, looking down shyly and pressing his lips in a smile.

“Yeah, right.”

Summer came around faster than they would have thought, but it seemed to take away the sun from Jaehyun's life. A sun that seemed to have been hiding behind clouds since Sicheng ditched them for the seniors, but that Jaehyun hoped still was there. The only word he could use to describe his relationship with Doyoung was good, they had fun together, they understood each other and he felt really comfortable with Doyoung, but he felt something was missing. They didn't kiss, they barely hugged, and the only usual thing for them was holding hands. It wasn't that Jaehyun wanted to rush things, he would wait whatever was necessary for the other's comfort, but the topic didn't even come up. It was, Jaehyun thought, like neither of them wanted to do more. He had learnt to be positive, he didn’t want to lose another dear person from his life, and so he was determined to walk at Doyoung’s peace. If that meant staying on the same place for years, he would happily accommodate to it.

It was the last day of school, he was cleaning his locker and casually saying goodbye to the ones who were finished already and were heading home.

“Bye Jaehyun! Have a great summer.” Said Jungwoo passing by, holding hands with Lucas. He smiled at the sight and waved goodbye too. After so much time of obvious pinning and love games, those two got together. The rumor flew around the school in just an hour, because someone saw them kissing on the stairway instead of being in class during the farewell for the students. Jaehyun actually got surprised, and had to ask the girl who he heard it from for confirmation. Having seen them kissing at Hendery's brother's party, he had thought all this time they were together already.

Jaehyun walked the almost empty hallways and entered the bathroom to wash his hands before heading home when he heard a quiet sob. He tensed up and dried his hands to get out of there and avoid an awkward situation, but a second sob made him realize who it was. He had never heard him cry before, but he recognized the voice.

“Doyoung?” He asked carefully, braving up and approaching the bathroom stall where he saw the shoes. The sobs stopped immediately. “Doyoung? Is that you?”

“No.” That made him smile a bit. It was obvious Doyoung wouldn't want anyone to see him crying.

“Are you okay?” Jaehyun tried to soften his voice and slowly opened the door. Doyoung was sitting on the toilet, eyes puffy and red from crying. “Do you want to tell me what happened?”

Doyoung let out another sob when Jaehyun knelt in front of him and grabbed his hands.

“No.” Doyoung's voice broke and Jaehyun's worry increased. “I just want to stop feeling like this.”

“What are you feeling, Doyoung?” Jaehyun tried to be careful, he needed Doyoung to calm down. “If you tell me, maybe you'll feel better. I’m your boyfriend, remember? I’ll try to help you.”

“I just… feel like nothing is fair.” He cried again. Jaehyun felt his own eyes tear up too, just because the sight was so pitiful. When Doyoung started rambling, he panicked a bit. “Because he has a boyfriend now and I have one too, I shouldn't be feeling this bad because I was the first one to do it and maybe if I chased after him I could have—”

“Doyoung, Doyoung, calm down, please.” Jaehyun reassured. “It's okay, you are allowed to feel bad for whatever is happening.”

“No, I'm not! It's really not fair for you… How I… I…” Doyoung couldn't find his words, and Jaehyun smiled sadly. Slowly he felt like all started to make sense.

“Do you like Jungwoo?” Doyoung nodded slowly and Jaehyun breathed in. “It's okay, I knew.”

“You knew?” Doyoung looked at him confused, his eyes shining because of the tears.

“I saw the way you stared at him when you thought I wasn't looking.” Jaehyun was lying, but he wasn't surprised. Maybe deep down, he did know. He didn’t want Doyoung to feel guilty about it, not when he felt so grateful that he was telling him at last. “It's okay, really. We can still be friends. Not like those kinds of ex-boyfriend friends, but real friends. Like we have been all this time. You're really great, Doie, and I'm sure Jungwoo thinks like that, too.”

Doyoung let out a snort mixed with a cry, but Jaehyun already felt accomplished just by making him smile. For the first time in almost three months, they hugged each other, as friends.

Doyoung insisted on him going home already, and Jaehyun agreed with the condition that he would want to hear the full story later, when Doyoung had calmed down. He didn’t want to torture Doyoung making him think about his unrequited love, he just wanted to understand the situation better. And so Jaehyun got out of the building alone, actually feeling like he had lifted a weight off.

“Jae… hyun.” Someone called when he stepped down the first stair. His eyes widened at the first attempt of calling him by his nickname and turned around at once. He hadn't seen Sicheng leaning at the wall, still with his backpack hanging from his shoulder. “I was waiting.”

“For me?” Jaehyun asked, tone perhaps a bit too naive. He had imagined this situation a thousand times before, but now that it was happening he didn’t know how to act. Sicheng nodded and caught up to his side. They started walking next to each other like it was the most natural thing in the world.

“Were you with Doyoung? I saw him running to the bathroom crying after Ten came to tell everyone about Lucas and Jungwoo.”

“Yeah, I'm glad that I wasn't there or it would have been awkward.” Jaehyun sighed. “Was I the only one who didn't know about his crush or…?”

“I mean, it was pretty obvious…”

“You're just really observant.”

“I know.” Silence fell between them after that, and Sicheng took some minutes to talk again. “Yuta asked me to be his boyfriend.”

“Weren't you two already dating?” Jaehyun looked at Sicheng surprised again.

“Of course not.” Said Sicheng as calm as ever, even smiling a bit. He was having fun with Jaehyun's reaction, that was clear.

“Oh, then… I'm happy for you two, I guess.” Jaehyun forced a smile and looked down, just to snap his head back up again at Sicheng's next words.

“I said no.” Before Jaehyun could question him, Sicheng smiled again. “Why would I date him if he's going away to college now? Besides, I don't like older guys.”

Jaehyun laughed softly, a bit at a loss of words. “Do you even like anything, Sicheng?”

“I liked being with my best friend…” Even if mumbled, Sicheng's words struck Jaehyun's heart. He let out another breathy laugh and wrapped a hand around Sicheng's shoulder. “Sorry I went away…”

“It's okay. I guess we both got a bit carried away.” Jaehyun ruffled Sicheng's hair, and they both laughed together. “I missed you too, Winwin.”

 

_Jaehyun was seventeen when he wanted to be three again._

 

It was only in his fourth year of high school, when Johnny and his group of friends had already graduated, that Jaehyun started to enjoy being a teenager. He was sometimes dragged to parties by Ten, but now getting to spend them with Sicheng and Doyoung made it quite enjoyable. What during their childhood was Friday afternoon at Sicheng's place playing video games had now become Friday evening at the bowling alley competing to see who would pay for dinner. Lucas and Jungwoo also tagged along sometimes, and since Doyoung had now someone whom he could rely on, Jaehyun knew he didn’t feel as bad seeing his childhood friend in love with another boy.

Not having to be with prying eyes while walking through the halls was also a breath of fresh air for him. The last time his heart skipped a beat at the sight of his neighbor was during August, when he peeked through his room’s window and saw how Johnny and his mother were filling the trunk of their car with boxes. Moving to college, Jaehyun guessed. He didn't even see him during long weekends or holidays, so Jaehyun ended up almost forgetting about him, and when he did have any thoughts about Johnny, it didn't hurt anymore. He even laughed, remembering about how dramatic he had been all those years.

The only thing needed to crumble his peaceful world were a few words of his homeroom teacher and a smile after winter break during his senior year. On December, they had been told about some third-year college students with teaching majors who would be coming to observe the classes and help with them for their internship.

“They choose us because they also attended this high school, so some of you may already know them. In this class, we'll have an English Teaching student to help us with our lessons. I'm sure he'll be of great help for those of you who are having a bit of trouble keeping up.” Said their teacher at the start of some period. Jaehyun should have known, he should have had enough with those words to guess who was coming, but still, when after Christmas break he sat on his seat and watched him enter the classroom behind the teacher, he felt a lump on his throat.

“Guys, this is John Suh. He'll be working with us for a few weeks as I told you some months ago.” The teacher announced with pleasure. The class immediately broke into whispers and murmurs. Jaehyun felt Sicheng's gaze fixed on him, but he couldn't move his eyes from Johnny.

“Nice to see you again, guys. Please don't mind me, I'm just here to observe.” He said, staring back at Jaehyun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear we'll get to the johnjae action on the next one! Just bear with me huhuhu.


	3. Chapter 3

_Jaehyun was eighteen when he received flowers and handmade chocolate for the first time._

 

Jaehyun had never been an extroverted person. That was something he had always envied and at the same time admired Johnny for, even though he didn't actually feel insecure about being so shy and timid. Winwin and Doyoung were like that too, so he found in them a comfort zone enough not to make him feel bad for it. It was just that now, in moments like those, he wished his embarrassment had been confidence instead.

“Jaehyun? I'm sure you know the answer, why don't you tell the class?” Said the professor. Jaehyun was sure that, in the past two weeks, those had been the only set of words she had directed to him. Over and over again. And she was right, he knew the answer, he couldn't understand why anyone else didn't as easy as it was, but he didn't want to be the center of attention right now.

He always enjoyed English lessons. Having attended some summer camps in America during the last couple of years he was probably the best of his class at it, and that meant either getting to do nothing at all during class or impressing everyone with his speaking skills. But he didn't want that now, because Johnny was there. Johnny was American, Jaehyun knew because he had gone some summers away when they were kids, he had heard him speak English with his mom and well… His name was pretty revealing, too. Jaehyun didn't want Johnny to look, hear or even think about him, and the teacher was ruining it right now. Having her call his name meant that Johnny would not only direct his attention to him but that he would either judge his English or be amazed by it. What if he asked where he had learned? What if he wanted to speak in English to him?

Jaehyun's mind was in a rush of thoughts when Winwin, seated behind him, kicked his backpack to make him snap out of it.

“Um, no, sorry, I don't know.” He said. In English, but with the lowest tone possible trying to go unnoticed. The teacher seemed disappointed, but he didn't care.

During lunch, all of his friends followed him to the school's courtyard. Since they were now seniors, freshmen flew as soon as they got near and that meant having the outdoors basketball court for themselves. Jaehyun liked to play with Lucas and Jungwoo while the others had lunch sitting on the grass. Sometimes his cousin Mark joined too, and Jaehyun let him just because he knew his little cousin wanted to look cool and impress his classmates, spending time with seniors instead of them.

Basketball was something Jaehyun had always enjoyed, and even if he had to leave his team because of an injury back in second year, he still liked to play occasionally. During the past weeks, it had been an excuse to get out of the cafeteria, where he knew Johnny would be, and avoid any unnecessary accidents. They had been lucky with the weather, always sunny even if it was still late January, and Jaehyun wished lunch breaks were a little longer.

He knew Johnny wasn't always there, at school, but he couldn't help but feel as paranoid as he had been years ago. The only time he allowed himself to relax was when he walked home with Sicheng. One day, though, Winwin's words were the ones that worried him.

“Yuta asked me about you.”

“What?” Jaehyun stuttered, almost tripping. There were so many confusing things in that sentence that he didn't know where to start asking.

“My mom made me go with her to their house last Sunday, and he just brought up the internship thing. He wondered how were you feeling at seeing Johnny again…” 

“So he was just laughing at me?” Jaehyun scoffed. As expected from Nakamoto, but it still annoyed him how the Japanese guy just couldn't mind his own business.

“I don’t know, he seemed quite curious.” Winwin shrugged.

“Then next time you meet him, tell him curiosity killed the cat.”

“Meow.” Sicheng mouthed. Jaehyun looked at him raising an eyebrow, but the other was unfazed. He would never understand what crossed his best friend's mind.

When Jaehyun got home that day, he did as usual. He procrastinated on his phone until the guilt of not doing his homework was too much to handle, and then he sat at his desk, actually fine with doing another thing that kept his mind busy. He was halfway through an essay, music from his earphones too loud to hear what was going on in the outside world, when his mom barged into his room. Jaehyun turned around taking one of his earphones out and looked at her.

“Dear, Johnny is at the door.”

“What?” Jaehyun froze on his place and panicked before he said the first thing that came to his mind. “Tell him I'm busy or something.”

“But he wants to talk to you, Jaehyun.” His mom tried to convince him, tone pleading as if she was trying to convince a child to eat his vegetables.

“Well, I don't want to, I'm doing homework.” Jaehyun turned around, ready to go back to his loud music and boring essay, when his mom's tone changed drastically.

“Jaehyun.” He sighed. He was never able to refuse anything to his mom, even less when she said his name in such a menacing way.

“Okay, okay.” He reluctantly left everything behind and walked past her. He squared up his shoulders and frowned as he approached the door. It was slightly open, but not enough to see Johnny. He took a deep breath before his last step and opened it abruptly, facing him.

“What do you want?” Jaehyun said quickly, so harshly that Johnny was taken aback.

“I… wanted to talk with you?” He didn't sound so sure, and Jaehyun just scoffed.

“Well, you're ten years late.” He shouldn't have said that, but he did, and he closed the door on his neighbor's face. He walked back to his room, ignoring his mother's question and also closing that door loudly. Not as much as the front door, though, he didn't want his mom to get angry, just her to get the hint that she shouldn't ask what happened.

He tried to sit, go back to his essay, but his mind couldn't focus anymore. He shouldn't have said those words. He sounded petty even if he was totally over it now, hurt even when he didn't even think about Johnny anymore, not until he decided to appear again. Jaehyun couldn't even remember how he looked just a few moments ago at his doorstep, even if he had spent days and days secretly observing him from afar. The only thing he knew was that Johnny wasn't the one he used to know when he was little, and it hurt. It shouldn't, because it had been years now, and no one ever got so upset over a friend —hell, had they even been friends, Jaehyun wondered— from elementary school. But Jaehyun felt his world crumbling again, as if every thought, action or feeling he had worked to overcome these past ten years had been useless, and he just wanted to hide in his room forever.

He didn't go to class the next day, though he had to the next one. It was February 13th, but since it was Friday some people were already handing in letters and chocolates for persons they wouldn't be able to see during the weekend. Friday also meant bowling night, and he wasn't that oblivious, he knew his friends were going to throw a party for him, and that was enough to get him through the day. He was also lucky, as English was the first class they had and that meant just bearing with Johnny for an hour, and then being free to enjoy the day.

When he got to the classroom he immediately looked down, but he still saw from the corner of his eyes how Johnny was peeling some chocolate. He wanted to laugh, with disgust, but laugh. When he got to his desk he saw some letters and boxes too, and pressed his lips resigned. Even if he didn't socialize as much, he knew he was pretty popular not only among girls, and every year got some confessions during Valentine's. He never accepted them, but always made sure to thank the person and make them know that their feelings and bought chocolates were appreciated. This year he was even less in the mood for love, so he just tossed the presents into his backpack and made as if he hadn't seen them.

With his head bucked down the whole period, he was lucky the teacher decided not to ask anything today. It was during the second period when he started to let himself go, and by the end of the day he was as happy as ever. He won at bowling that night —not that he ever lost—, after a little but exciting celebration, and had such a great time with his friends that he forgot there were people besides them in the world.

On the morning of the 14th, he was woken up by his mom kissing all over his face. She did the same every year, and Jaehyun enjoyed it as always, smiling like a child and laughing at the slight tickles. He had a big breakfast with his favorite cookies and chocolate milk, something only allowed at his house for special occasions. His father promised to take him shopping that afternoon, to buy him whatever he wanted, and his mom's present was a book with such a heartfelt title Jaehyun was sure was going to make him cry. But he loved it.

“Oh, there's also this.” His mother said at some point. His dad had gone out to buy the cake and Jaehyun was sitting at the kitchen's table texting Sicheng. “It was at the door, I wonder who it could be from?”

Jaehyun frowned and took the present. It wasn't a box, but it was wrapped with white silk paper. He took it with care and placed it on the table. There was a card, white as the paper but with pink handwritten letters. A simple “Happy birthday, Jaehyun” was written in it.

Jaehyun gulped and carefully started unwrapping it. His breath got caught up in his throat when he saw what it was, and he felt his eyes itch. Had not been for his mom being behind him, placing a hand on his shoulder and peeking at the present, he would have started crying.

“Oh dear, look at this.” She cooed before he could say anything, picking the first item. “It must be from Johnny!”

Of course, who else could have had a framed photo of them as little kids, in a garden, standing proudly next to a bush of bloomed marigolds? There was also a small, transparent bag with chocolates, but Jaehyun's eyes were on something else. He traced his fingers alongside the petals of the two marigolds in front of him and peeked at the note again.

“You have bloomed just like them.” It read on the other side.

 

_Jaehyun, still eighteen, gave a step forward for the first time._

 

Next Monday he didn't play basketball. He sat with Sicheng and Doyoung while Ten and Hendery went to buy something more to eat. He sighed and hugged his own legs, using his knees to rest his chin and watched Lucas dunk the ball.

“Okay, I've had enough. What happened?” Doyoung was the first one to talk and Jaehyun groaned, letting himself go and falling backwards to lay on the grass. Winwin and Doyoung were the only two people who knew about Johnny, Winwin because he had lived with him through it and Doyoung because it had been only fair to tell him the story after he opened up first.

“Johnny gave me a present for my birthday.” He said, covering his eyes with the back of his hand. Aside from being bothered by the sun, he thought that maybe this would stop him from tearing up. Peeking behind his fingers, he saw his friends shocked expressions. “Before that he also came to my house to try to talk to me, but I closed the door on his face.”

“What did he give you?” Asked Winwin. He was clearly curious, but he knew it was a touchy topic for his friend.

“A photo of us and… Flowers. Chocolates too, I think his mother made them.”

Doyoung snorted. “Romantic.”

“Shut up!” Jaehyun could feel his ears turning red. He tried to push Doyoung but his friend dodged his hand easily.

“Maybe you should thank him, that would be the perfect excuse to talk.” Winwin suggested, laying down next to him.

“But I don't wanna talk to him.”

“You sound like a little kid.” Jaehyun couldn't see it, but he knew Doyoung had rolled his eyes. “Don't you think it's time to put an end to this stupid suffering of yours? Just talk to him, clear things up and you can go on with your life as if nothing happened.”

“Have you talked with Jungwoo?” Jaehyun moved the hand away from his face just to look at Doyoung inquisitively and smiled smugly when his friend started turning red.

“It's not the same!”

“But Doie is right, Jaehyun… Maybe if you talked with him you would feel better.”

“I tried to talk to him when we were kids and he missed his chance, if he wants to talk now he can do it, but I'm not going to chase after him.” Jaehyun buffed resolutely, but his attitude didn't last much longer.

“Didn't you just say he tried and you slammed the door on his face?” Remembered Winwin.

“Shut up!”

After much convincing, Jaehyun walked to the classroom with fists clenched and brows furrowed. He was a bit early for the class to start, but he knew Johnny would be there. When he peeked at the door he saw Johnny talking with the teacher, and he didn’t need to say anything. When Johnny saw him he excused himself and approached Jaehyun, getting out of the classroom. Jaehyun gave a step back and looked down.

“Hello.” Johnny said softly. Jaehyun couldn't see, but he knew the older was smiling, which made his jaw go tense. He wanted to end this quickly.

“My mom wanted to thank you for the present.”

“Your mom?” Johnny let out a breathy laugh. “But the present was for you, did you like it?”

“Whatever, tell your mother her chocolates were good.”

“I helped her.” Johnny seemed quite proud of that fact, and Jaehyun finally snapped his head up.

“You didn't have to.”

“But I wanted to…” Jaehyun felt the urge to hit him. He couldn't, he wouldn't, but he couldn’t bear with Johnny’s sad expression, he wanted it to disappear.

“Yeah well, you didn’t need to. I don't know what the fuck do you _actually_ want, but forget it, alright?” Jaehyun finally started voicing his thoughts, not even thinking about the words he was choosing. “We are not friends, we're not even acquaintances anymore, you don't get to come to my house and try to spark a conversation or give me presents for my birthday, okay?”

“But Jaehyun…” Johnny tried to place a hand on his shoulder, but Jaehyun moved abruptly.

“You acted as if I didn't exist for the past ten years, keep it that way now, will you?” Jaehyun spat, pushing the classroom door open and walking in. He wanted to sink in his seat, disappear, or maybe just go back to when Johnny played with him during lunch breaks.

He was in a bad mood for the rest of the week, sulking his way through every class except for English, just because that was when he could lay his arms on the table and use them to hide his face. On the next Monday, the teacher seemed really happy. Instead of starting the class correcting homework as they always did, she made an announcement.

“This will be Johnny's last week with us. He has been helping us with some lessons until now, and his last assignment will be correcting _your_ assignments.” That made a collective groan arise from the class, but what followed caused chaos. “Since we haven't been able to practice speaking that much, everyone will have to prepare an oral exposition for this Friday. It will have to be at least three minutes long, and you can use a PowerPoint slide, a photography or anything similar you may think of as help, but no text to read is allowed. Since I know how indecisive some of you are, I chose the topic myself. You will have to talk about something from your childhood; a toy, a place you used to visit, a holiday you had…”

“But Mrs Lee—” Some student interrupted, but Jaehyun had stopped listening already. He heard white noise, and he was sure his blood pressure had just dropped. He couldn't do that. He was going to call in sick or just not prepare anything, but no matter what, he couldn't go in front of the class and talk about those years of his life. Sicheng probably noticed his anxiety, because he stretched his leg under Jaehyun's chair and rubbed his friend's leg with his foot. When Jaehyun turned slightly around, he saw him smiling reassuringly.

Some afternoon that week, Jaehyun sat at his desk at night, a white sheet of paper and a pencil on his hand. He didn't want to, but what Doyoung had told him after that horrible Monday was true. If he chickened out, Johnny would be able to see how pathetic he was. Maybe those hadn't been his friend's exact words, but that was what Jaehyun thought. He wrote, he wrote so much he didn't even know where to put periods and commas, because he had so much to tell he was sure he could talk for a whole hour, instead of just three minutes. He wasn't going to say all of that out loud, but he couldn't stop.

On Friday, Doyoung intercepted him on the hallway before entering the classroom.

“Have you prepared it?”

Jaehyun nodded. “And you?”

Doyoung looked down and crumpled the paper in his hands.

“I couldn't… Lucas will hear too, I can't make this to them.”

Jaehyun smiled sadly and placed a reassuring hand on his friend's shoulder. “It's okay, that's fine, and probably the most clever thing to do.”

“So you're just going to make up for both of our dumbness?” Doyoung smiled for the first time, and Jaehyun felt a bit better.

“Someone has to face up our childhood heartbreaks, and I'm the one who has nothing to lose.” Jaehyun tried to smile proudly, joke around, but it wasn't enough to make the feeling in his chest disappear. They both went to their seats and waited till the class started, rereading one last time the drafts of their presentations.

Sicheng talked about China, the trips he did with his parents when he was little and how he missed it sometimes. Doyoung talked about his favorite robot toy, expatiating upon its colors and all the things it could do. Jungwoo talked about his two best friends, Lucas and Doyoung, and told the whole class how much he loved them. Lucas, on the other hand, talked about one particular memory of him; winning one football match against the rival elementary school and getting a kiss from his best friend as a prize. Everyone in the class laughed and cooed. Jaehyun did too, even if he did feel a bit sad for Doyoung.

When it was his turn, he walked up to the class slowly and first addressed the teacher, who was sitting next to Johnny.

“I haven't prepared any photo or slide, is that okay?”

“Of course Jaehyun, you'll be graded by your speaking.” The teacher smiled. Jaehyun nodded and breathed in. He concentrated, imagining he was just telling this story to his friends. It was time Jungwoo and Lucas learned that story, and he was a bit sad Ten and Hendery couldn't be there too, but he was sure Lucas would fill them in later at lunch anyways. He cleared his throat and started speaking with impeccable English.

“When I was a kid, my best friend was my neighbor. He was a bit older than me, and he took care of me when I had chickenpox. We always played football in the garden, and he let me win, and then his mother made us snacks, and we sat in the shadow while he told me lots of stories. He played with me at school too because I was really shy, even if all of his friends didn't like that. They were a little mean, to be honest…” That made the whole class laugh. “I already knew Sicheng around that time, but I liked playing with my friend better. I saw him every day, but I especially treasured the Fridays when we hung out at each other's places. He smiled a lot and was really kind to everyone, too. I kinda wanted to be like him when I grew up. We always walked back home together when my mom couldn't come pick me up at school, and he had to hold my hand because I was really slow. He came to all my basketball practices too and cheered for me a lot. And… well, he was my best friend and I loved him a lot, I don't know what else to say…”

He looked at the teacher and just now realized how nervous he was, hands sweating and shaking slightly. He also had the feeling he had talked so fast no one had even understood his speech.

“You still haven't reached the three minutes, Jaehyun… Why don't you tell us a bit more? Where is that friend now?” The teacher tried to help him, and Jaehyun pressed his lips to keep them from shaking too.

“I don’t know, he went away.” He shrugged. “I didn't see him more after he went to high school.”

The teacher sighed. She didn't like it when Jaehyun didn't cooperate, but she couldn't force him either, so she dismissed him.

“Okay, you can sit now.”

And finally, Jaehyun breathed. For the first time in the whole period he glanced at Johnny before walking up to his seat, but the older was looking down, writing something on his grading notebook and lips pressed into a little smile.

 

_Jaehyun only felt like a child again after he graduated from high school._

 

Jaehyun couldn't remember much about the remaining months of high school after that February. Johnny left, leaving him an A on his oral exposition with a comment along the lines of “Should have tried to make it longer, but perfect overall”. After that came the rush of exams, in which Jaehyun locked himself in his room for weeks to study. He wasn't an honor student, didn't want to either, but he did want to have a secured place at his college of choice. Not the top of the country, but the closest home, with all his friends and a great variety of majors he could choose from. Then came graduation. He wasn't sad about it, it wasn't a goodbye to his friends as they had a trip planned for the summer, but he did tear up a bit when Doyoung, denying it, started to cry.

After the ceremony, they all went to Hendery's house to throw a party. It was a more private one, but it still reminded Jaehyun of the first one he attended, years ago. He sat on the same bench he kissed Doyoung, but this time Sicheng was next to him.

“Time flies, doesn't it?” Jaehyun sighed contently.

“Yeah, the last time we were here you were making out with Doie.” Sicheng smiled, and Jaehyun wondered if his friend could read minds. “I'm glad there are no older guys this time.”

“We're the older guys now, Sicheng.”

“I don't wanna grow up...” Jaehyun laughed at the way Sicheng whined, resting his head on his shoulder and rubbing it against him. “Do you wanna know what my mom told me?”

“What?” Asked Jaehyun full of curiosity.

“Since Yuta is at college too, she keeps saying that I should room with him.”

“Don't dorms go by age? You're probably gonna be placed with some freshman like you…” Jaehyun tried to understand the situation and at the same time make his friend feel better.

“No, no.” Sicheng sat up straight and looked at him. “Yuta has his own flat with Taeyong and Johnny and some other guy, but since one of them is moving they'll have a spare room. My mom just can't shut up about it, and since Mrs. Nakamoto also thinks it's a great idea she won't give up.”

“Maybe… I don't know…” Jaehyun had to take a moment to process everything and think of an answer. “Have you tried telling her about why it's better to live in the dorms? That could convince her, you know, she always wanted you to be more sociable…”

“That's the problem…” Suddenly Sicheng's mood went down. “I don't want to dorm either… I'll have to live together with strangers and I'm not good at that… I told her about staying at home like you but she wants me to...”

“Experience the world, yeah, I know. Mine was telling me the same until I convinced her.” Jaehyun sighed and placed a hand on Sicheng's shoulders. “I know mothers can be annoying sometimes, but try to think about it calmly. In my case, my mom just agreed because it would save us money, but maybe your mom is right and you need to open up a bit.”

“You're lucky, homeboy.” Sicheng pouted. “I thought you were going to help me convince her since you dislike Yuta that much.”

Jaehyun's eyes widened. He hadn't really thought about Nakamoto, all focused on trying to cheer his friend up.

“Well, you're an old guy now Winwin. If he bothers you I'll go and kick his ass, but I know you can handle him well.”

“You still don't like him, though.” Sicheng teased.

“I _hate_ him.”

That night ended with laughs, and the couple of weeks that followed were filled with them, too. In just a day, Jaehyun would be on his way to Jeju island with his friends for a one-week trip they had been planning for months. He was extremely excited about it, and smiled to himself while he was taking the clothes off the line, at the porch. Since the weather was so good his mother had decided to stop using the dryer machine, and Jaehyun had never minded helping her with chores.

He was humming to himself when he heard the sound of water. It was a bit far, but he still turned his head around curiously, just to look back down to the clothes again when he realized what it was. Johnny was watering the plants in his garden, near the fence that separated their houses. Jaehyun closed his eyes and prayed that his neighbor didn't notice him, but his mom appeared.

“Jaehyun aren't you done yet?” She asked before looking over her son's shoulder. “Oh, good afternoon Johnny!”

Jaehyun didn't turn around, he didn't want to look at Johnny, but he still had to hear his voice.

“Good afternoon Mrs. Jung!” The boy greeted cheerfully.

“Are you done with moving back? It must have been hard moving boxes with such hot weather!” His mom didn't even move from his side, speaking loud enough for the whole neighborhood to hear.

“Moving back?” Jaehyun exclaimed in a whisper.

“Oh, you didn't know dear?” His mom heard him and continued talking. “Johnny is moving back home for his last year of college, isn't it wonderful? You'll see each other every day again!”

Jaehyun's ears turned red, he was sure, and Johnny's laugh echoed through the air. It was carefree and loud, one Jaehyun hadn't heard in years. His mom disappeared in no time, hurrying him up to finish with the line and wishing Johnny a good afternoon again. Jaehyun allowed himself to turn around once all the clothes were in the basket and he stopped hearing the sound of the water, but now Johnny had moved closer, standing just a few meters away from him at the other side of the fence.

“Is Sicheng going to move in with Yuta? I heard he was quite hesitant.”

“Hasn't told me yet.” Jaehyun shrugged. He started walking towards the door to get out of there as soon as possible, but Johnny stopped him again.

“Maybe we can share a car next year, it'll be a hassle for you to take the bus every day.”

“I'll bear with it.” Jaehyun answered sharply, but Johnny was faster once again.

“Look, Jaehyun, I'm sorry. Just listen to me for a moment, will you?” Jaehyun froze in his place. He had the urge to run away, but he stayed silent. At this, Johnny continued. “I was a kid, a really stupid one for that matter. I felt like a grown up with my friends when I still wet my bed at night. I knew how much you liked me but I didn't want you glued to me through all high school.”

Jaehyun was looking down, gripping at the clothes' basket so hard his knuckles went white, because he had to relieve himself some way. He'd be too embarrassed if Johnny heard him sob right now. To try to dissimulate, he went to the nearest table and placed the basket on it, never looking up at Johnny.

“I fucked up, and it's barely an excuse but I thought it'd be better to cut it from the root than give you false hopes and then hurt you…”

“Well, you did anyway.” Jaehyun's couldn't help his voice breaking, but he didn't care anymore. His shoulders were shaking as he tried to hold his cries and he sniffled grossly. “What are you even trying to do now?”

“I… just wanted you to know that I'm sorry. And that I missed you, I miss you… I'd give anything to go back in time and spend those years with you.”

“But I've already grown up, Johnny.” Jaehyun now sobbed harder. “And you went away and left me alone.”

“You weren't alone, you had your friends and a really cute boyfriend…” Johnny talking softly, as if he was addressing a little kid.

“But I wanted you!” Jaehyun felt relieved at saying this. He finally had accepted it, a weight lifted from his heart, though now he was crying uncontrollably. He didn't see or hear Johnny jumping the fence, but he choked a cry when he felt the older's hands around him.

“I wouldn't forgive me either, but you've always been so good, Jaehyun…” Johnny's voice was shaking a bit. “I made stupid decisions without thinking about the consequences… You didn’t deserve how I treated you, and I was so happy when I saw you again… I’m really sorry.”

Jaehyun shyly hugged him back, just barely grabbing his shirt and resting his forehead on the older's shoulder. “Will you leave me behind again…?”

At this, Johnny hugged him harder. “I'm not that stupid anymore, I swear.”

“I'm not so sure about that…” Jaehyun half laughed.

“I'm sorry I went away, really…” He heard Johnny whisper. He buried his face in Johnny's neck and grabbed his shirt harder, as if not to let him go. He didn't know for how much time they stayed like this, but at some point he felt Johnny rocking his body slightly, pressing his face against his hair and smiling a little. “All grown up, but you still cry like a baby…”

Jaehyun frowned and pushed him, using his the back of his hands to wipe away his tears in an attempted to make them disappear. His cheeks heated up at seeing Johnny's smile, and he couldn't help but pout and avert his eyes again. God, how stupid he felt now. Johnny laughed loudly and when Jaehyun looked back at him again, he was stepping on his old and deflated football ball.

“Wanna play?” Johnny asked cheekily. Jaehyun took a few seconds to answer.

“Will you let me win?” He asked hesitantly.

“... Whoever gets to the tree last is a booger!” Johnny exclaimed sprinting to the farthest tree while kicking the ball.

Jaehyun’s shocked and wide-eyed expression changed into a frown before he started running after him, this time finally able to catch up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I hope you've liked it so far. There's still a short epilogue left, which I will post as soon as I can.


	4. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I felt like this needed a bit more of closure, so here, have a tiny bit of fluff.

Jaehyun had always hated first times. He liked the security of being settled and used to something, not the uncertainty of unfamiliar situations and places. In that sense, he had been unlucky that summer before college. He did not mind exploring new places with his friends, as he did during their trip to Jeju island, but when coming back he was hit with many of those so hated matters. Some weren't actually unknown to him, but had just been buried so deep inside his memories that he did not remember how to behave.

The first one was going to Johnny's house, the day after coming back from his trip. They hadn't thought about exchanging phone numbers yet so Jaehyun hadn't been able to talk to him, and now going from complete strangers to friends  —or something more— again in barely just a day, but having a one-week break from each other immediately after that was too much of a roller coaster for him. He didn't know if things were going too fast or too slow, and he had been thinking too much about where were their boundaries now.

He had an excuse, though, to visit his neighbor. He had bought a present in Jeju, not for Johnny but for his mother, to thank her for the chocolates she made for him months ago. He was greeted warmly, as the Suh family had always done, and after exchanging many words of gratitude with Johnny's mom he was dragged to the older boy’s room. The door had barely closed when Jaehyun found himself tightly trapped in the older's arms.

“I missed you.” Johnny talked against his hair. Jaehyun hugged him back shyly and enjoyed the other's sweet smell. He didn't know when Johnny had started to use cologne, but he liked it. 

“It's just been a week…” 

“I know.” Johnny moved away from him just enough to look at him. “Did you have fun?” 

Jaehyun nodded, and let Johnny pull him to sit on the bed while he started talking about all he had done during his trip. 

“And you left me here all alone and sad after getting me all excited… I was the one who wanted to spend time with you the most, you know?” Johnny's words and way of pouting made Jaehyun blush, and he found himself at loss of words. Johnny let out a loud laugh and kissed Jaehyun's hand, which he had been playing with for the past fifteen minutes. “Do you want to stay for dinner? My mom is going out with some friends.”

“I would have stayed even if she was there…” Jaehyun mumbled looking away. He couldn't bear with it, when Johnny looked at him and smiled that way. He had always found him handsome, but it seemed as if the feeling had grown with them as they had gotten older. Johnny was, objectively, unbearably handsome for Jaehyun. 

He actually felt like he had spent all night avoiding the older's gaze, and just looked up to him for one thing. They had finished eating dinner, and Jaehyun was on the balcony looking at the sky, still hoping to see a shooting star after so many years. Johnny joined him some minutes later, placing a hand on his waist. When Jaehyun complained about the stars, the older tugged him closer and placed both hands on his cheeks, making him look up. Slowly, tortuously so, Johnny lent down and locked their lips together in a chaste kiss that became heated the moment Jaehyun hugged him back, and soon enough Johnny was giving long kisses to every spot he could find on Jaehyun's face and neck. He didn't want to see shooting stars anymore, he felt them inside already. 

Jaehyun did feel a bit awkward after that kiss, because it was their first one. But Johnny made sure to make him forget about that, because it didn’t took much for him to start stealing kisses from Jaehyun at any chance he got. Most of them were pecks, kisses on the cheek or Jaehyun's favorites, on the forehead, but there was the occasional make out on the coach when their parents weren't home too. Jaehyun never felt brave enough to steal one from Johnny, but the older really enjoyed catching him off guard. 

The second and final important first time of that summer for Jaehyun was on the last day of holidays, and it was sleeping with Johnny. Just plainly sleeping, because Jaehyun couldn't find himself thinking about sex. He wanted it to be perfect and not a rush of the moment. He wished for something special, not a quick decision made out of the excitement of being back next to each other. Johnny seemed to think the same, because even when he always had a hand on Jaehyun’s body or they shared the occasional heavily heated kisses, he never crossed the line. 

The thing was, Jaehyun had already slept with Johnny before, so he couldn't understand what was the problem with that night. Perhaps it was the fact that even if they had stayed in each other's houses multiple times when they were little, one of them had always used a spare mattress. Now, they were laying in bed facing each other. Jaehyun was wearing one of Johnny's old shirts, but it seemed that the older's hand didn't care about that, having snuck under it and not leaving Jaehyun's skin for even a moment. It did help to calm him a bit, so Jaehyun didn't complain. 

“Are you nervous about tomorrow?” Johnny asked. They had decided that Johnny would drive him to college and show him around the campus, because it was Jaehyun's first day. Johnny still had some days of freedom left, being a senior and not having so many classes to attend anymore. Jaehyun shrugged at the question, his mind had been avoiding the topic all day, and he didn't want to start thinking about it now that he was about to fall asleep. Johnny’s soothing voice and touch did wonders on him.

“You know you don't have to be scared, baby.” Johnny laughed softly. Jaehyun must have pouted or frowned unconsciously, or maybe it was that the older knew him too well. “It will be fine, just like elementary school and high school. I'll be with you, I promise.” 

Jaehyun closed his eyes and smiled a little, exhaling deeply and hugging the older closer. Yes, he wasn't scared anymore. He would always have Johnny by his side.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on [twitter](http://www.twitter.com/madsuh) and [cc](http://www.curiouscat.me/madsuh).


End file.
